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Omniscience85
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Name: Eli
Metro:
Gender: Male
Interests: Collage art, green tea, Epicurus, lucid dream research, cloves, robot zombies, tattoos, harmonicas, meeting new open-minded individuals, thrift stores, sexy jews, accordians, mass psychological conditioning, deco-podging everything, violins, riding in cars, apocalyptic visions, piano, Sealab 2021, smiling cramps, greenish-brown female sheep, Juxtapoz, acoustic guitar, Revolution, Improper word placement, spooning, Target, laughing til' your guts explode, procrastination, Vanilla ice-cream, etc.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Education/Research
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  Omniscience85
Member Since:
9/23/2005
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| Dear derelict stranger,
I always avoid things I have neglected for a while. After so long, it becomes this insurmountable burden... “how can I begin again after such a long absence?” I think to myself. How can I possibly excuse myself and make up for my unannounced leave? For example, consider this poor, pitiful abandoned blog. It had so much potential, I just got distracted and busy with life & things. I really never forgot about it; promise, I didn’t. After so long, though... it becomes like a pressing anxiety I drift further and further from soothing.
Looking over some past entries, I feel disconnected from the selves who carried me on their backs with splintered, bare feet to where I am today.
Though recognizable, I cannot fully identify with them anymore.
But then again, that’s nothing new. The only certain constant is constant change.
I never seem to be able to maintain reliable continuity between my current state and any previous ones. I’m still not sure if that’s good or bad. It feels awfully strange to wake up every once in a while wondering where I am in life and not knowing how I got there.
It’s always sort of strange to go back and read things I wrote in a different state of mind at varying points in my life. Most times, I don’t remember writing it, but it seems very familiar. Like a conversation about a movie I read in a book, then watching the movie and thinking to myself “I’ve heard this before...”
One thing that hasn’t changed too much, and I’ve always been hyperconscious of it, is my tendency to write in first person. I talk a lot about me, I and my present concept of self, however recognizable to past and future selves. Always present in the moment with what “I” means at this moment.
It seems time to start something new.
I can feel it, deep down in the fiber of my marrow.
We make these shallow promises to others and ourselves. *end digression*
How do you reconnect with someone you’ve been out of touch with for three weeks, 6 months? A year? Too long...? How do you tell someone you’ve lost contact with that you honestly can’t fathom how you’ve lived without them in your life? Usually, “hello” will suffice as an icebreaker. A rundown of “what’s new” helps.
So, hello.
I moved into my own apartment in August, got a new bed & a new outlook. I can start making art as soon I’ve got a little more time. I’ve reached the point where I’m comfortable admitting to myself I’ve got way too much stuff and that it’s time to start getting rid of things faster than I accumulate them.
I realized something important recently. Your state of mind and being radiates an energy that people can read and interpret without necessarily understanding. I’m just now really beginning to understand this. Some people have called it an ‘aura,’ but the image that comes to mind for me doesn’t really capture what I’m trying to say. I imagine a rainbow of electrical colors that change to suit the mood of the individual, but it’s more than that. It’s been said that after the Buddha realized enlightenment, he met the ascetics he used to meditate with. As he approached them, they noticed something was obviously different about him. From his physical appearance, they knew something inside of him had changed. While this is an extreme example, I think it effectively illustrates the point: your inner state of mind/being affects your externalized states and that and those around you (not just people) respond to this, accordingly. Be mindful of your inner state and how it could be affecting the energy you are receiving.
I went to a dermatologist for the first time, ever. Then I went to the dentist and they cleaned my teeth. Things are great, inside & out. No cavities & no cancer. Scratch those off the list. Oh, and apparently my cholesterol is just fine. I was told to “just keep doing what I’ve been doing.” That sounds like pretty good advice for anyone who’s happy. Hope you are well, happy, productive and excited about your life. You have every reason to be. Just b(e.)
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| My ethnographic account thus far:
While many Indians are very welcoming and enthusiastic about American tourists, it seems like many more are either very uncertain of how to respond or almost intimidated by our presence. Some people stop in their tracks to stare at us as we walk by, mouths wide open. Others have a cold stare of contempt or disgust. Some run up saying "Hello! Welcome to India!" like the guy we just bought some fruit from at an open market on a side street. Most stop & stare and we generally draw a lot of attention, like notorious celebrities that no one really likes. The fruit guy was too excited and kept hugging everyone. He told me I was just like his son, who is apparently going to school in NY.
There are an inordinate amount of taxis in the city and everyone driving is completely crazy, kamikaze style in their approach. People use their horns a lot, too much perhaps. Probably because there aren't many lines in the roads or street signs.
We wandered around for a while today in a small group & the girls probably attracted the most attention, despite their efforts to assimilate. All of us had lunch at a small Chinese/Thai/Indian place on the corner before class. Everyone got something spicy (without trying to) but of the three dishes I tried, it was all pretty good. There was massive confusion about how we would pay the combined bill and no one's really got the rupee conversion down quite yet. We stopped in a little shop to look at some of the idol statues in the window & turns out it was actually a greeting card store with miscellaneous little things to lure people in off the streets. All the statues were really detailed enamel, but probably a little too kitsch.
Tomorrow is our first field trip(s) to the Indian Museum in Calcutta, Mother Teresa's mission & the Kalighat temple where we'll likely see old Indian stuff, lepers & possibly a goat sacrifice. In that order. Neat!
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| I'm finally here. The plane rides here were less than pleasant & unbearably long. After a while, something not unlike claustrophobia started to kick in, mostly on the 8 hour ride from Mumbai to Kolkata. This city is a lot more 'like India' or at least the one I was expecting. There was some very good Indian food on the plane(s)... (at least one meal per flight). The hotel is very nice & the staff has been great so far. The people on the streets, however, are not nearly so welcoming or accomodating. The cold, long stares range anywhere from contempt and anger to intrigue and curiosity. It's a total culture shock-mind fuck.... I think the free time we spend exploring will change our perception of Indian culture and people, and not necessarily for the better. Our first actual class meets shortly and hopefully I'll get to do some more productive exploring after. | | |
| "Devils and Gods: now that's an idea.
But if we believe that it's they who decide,
That's the ultimate detractor of crimes...
Cuz' devils and gods, they are you & I.
Devils and Gods: They are you and I.
Devils and Gods -- safe and inside."
~Tori Amos
I've recently been having this recurring emotion.
Something not so unlike jealousy; of my unassuming peers.
I feel like I've come so far and seen so much and
more than anything I just wish both of my parents
were physically HERE to congratulate and reassure me.
I need some sort of reassurance and acknowledgement.
Not just any sort, but this particular parental kind.
I know everything will be fine and I'll do great.
I recognize all the people who have helped
me beyond measure through the years.
All those people without which I would
certainly not be who I am today.
The same people who keep
me in their thoughts and
appreciate and
acknowledge all
of my accomplishments.
But, something still seems lacking.
Could it be, I'm bitter because none
of my other family members have
stepped up to fill the void they left?
It's unimaginable how alone
the world can feel with no parents
to those who take it for granted.
We were never that close, my
folks and I; but I think that's part
of what makes this feeling so
empty & pressing. I never had
a chance to know them as people,
just parents... but not just that either.
Parents of an angry & confused adolescent.
They never had a chance to really know
anything about me because I still didn't
truly know about myself. You cannot
realize how truly alone you are
in the world until there is
nothing left that
biologically contains
such an integral part of you.
I remember having a sort of argument with
my dad about how he didn't
appreciate the fact that
he made me; before
I was what I am,
I was just an infinitesimal part of him.
It was one of my famous guilt trips I always
gave him because he was never the kind of
father I always hoped for; because he never
seemed to be able to provide for me;
because we were always poor or struggling
and I felt that he was to blame;
because of so many reasons that make
it impossible to rationalize;
because I felt like he owed me more
than he took away from me...
forgetting that he gave me life,
tried to be the best father figure I
could have hoped for, broke his ass
to provide for me and went without so
I could have even more than I needed. I
always forget those things until it feels too late.
After he died, I was going through his things
with one of his sisters deciding what I was
going to keep and what we would donate
to a charity. She told me some things
about their father that helped me
understand my dad in a
different way. In his
absence, I felt like
I was really
seeing
who he
was and what
he was going through
for the first time. | | |
| "When all is said and done, we are in the end absolutely dependent on the universe; and into sacrifices and surrenders of some sort, deliberately looked at and accepted, we are drawn and pressed into our only permanent positions of repose. Now in those states of mind which fall short of religion, the surrender is submitted to as an imposition of necessity, and the sacrifice is undergone at the very best without complaint. In the religious life, on the contrary, surrender and sacrifice are positively espoused: even unnecessary givings-up are added in order that the happiness may increase. Religion thus makes easy and felicitous what in any case is necessary." -William James Persistantly humbled by your unfathomable selflessness and compassion, yet constantly frustrated by my insatiable greed and ungratefulness. Love is conceived, forgotten & transfigured in the darkest narrow corners. Compassion hides in the most obvious spaces, where you'd least expect it. I sit here alone, so caught up and surrounded on all sides with god, waiting for my communion; waiting to see the vivid oneness of existence; waiting for you; waiting for my secret sacred self; waiting for that penultimate life where I can be truly happy with who I am. Having no qualms about myself, the world and all the disgusting disagreeable concepts and creatures it contains. "In the bottomless ocean of pleasure, I have sounded in vain for a spot to cast anchor. I have felt the almost irresistable power with which one pleasure drags another after it, the kind of unadulterated enthusiasm which it is capable of producing, the boredom, the torment which follow." ~Søren Kierkegaard | | |
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